Anger Management
RAW WAR - The Battle Within

What I usually hear from other people is that anger is natural. I mean, for me as a human being, and for most of us human beings, anger is natural. But is it? I have been an angry person since childhood and I realized that I cannot be angry for the rest of my life.  Forty five years is too long to suffer.  Anger did not give me a very good experience.

I am sure most of us would like to learn how to control anger. I would also like to learn how to physically manage anger but I realized that I could only manage anger for a certain period of time. Controlling anger physically will just make it a more stubborn habit and it will keep on coming back.  I also thought that I can psychologically control it but because of my limitations as a human being, I could not do much.  Finally, I learned how to spiritually conquer it and I found out that it did not give me so much pressure in my effort of processing myself.  It made me more peaceful and happier and it also made the people around me happy and peaceful.

I would like to share with you everything I know about the topic with the hope that you could learn and relate with my experiences of anger. I found it difficult to sustain the feeling of anger and the negative emotions associated with it. So, one day, I told myself that I must do something positive about this. Please do not get me wrong.  I still get angry, but it has become less in frequency and intensity. If I would rate myself, I would say that I have become less angry by 75%, which for me is already an immense improvement.

Time is running out for me and I am getting older everyday. If not now, then, when exactly I would I start? This was the question I asked myself.  I decided to make extra effort to find ways on how I could positively address the problem, so, I started attending seminars and read books about anger. Please allow me to share with you some of my experiences about this very common negative emotion we call anger.

DON’T GET MAD
DON’T FEEL BAD
DON’T BE SAD
JUST BE GLAD!

SPIRITUAL ROAD MAP
The Four Way Test of Spiritual Awareness

I am a Rotarian, a past president and I do subscribe to its code of conduct called “The Four Way Test”. I follow it using my own standards, separate and distinct form other Rotarians.  I am inspired by what Rotary has done to my civic and social life, so, I thought, why not put a spiritual color into it by using the Four Way Test for better understanding of the different aspects of anger.  We really need to review, revisit, define and redefine the meaning of anger based on our own and other people’s ideas and experiences not only the emotional and psychological but also the spiritual aspects and perspectives of this very negative and destructive feeling, emotion and energy.  So, here is the “Four Way Test” in the form of questions:

1. What are the causes of my anger?  This is a question of identity.  When we get angry, we feel guilty after the outburst and then, we experience pain and sorrow. This is because we have forgotten who we really are.  We thought that we are just bodies with souls.  We have forgotten that we are souls inside our bodies. We are supposed to be human beings, not just human “doings”.  If you just think about it, most of the causes of anger and all the pain and sorrow we experience are attached to our bodies such as our position, possession, achievements, attainments, relationships etc., which when threatened or attacked, cause anger. On the other hand, if we access our original qualities as souls and as spiritual beings, such as purity, peace, love, happiness, detachment, etc., we feel good and we experience our true self and God more deeply.

2. When do I usually get angry?  This is a question of time. Do you observe your life? How often?  Or do we observe more the lives of other people?  That is gossiping.  Do you know the time of the day when you have the highest tendency to get angry?  When I was still bringing our children to school, I noticed that my mood changed every time I go to their rooms and wake them one by one.  At the office, it is between 10am to 12 noon, especially when I am a bit tired, hungry and irritated, or in the afternoon at around 4pm to 5pm when I can already visualize the traffic in going back to the school to pick up my children.  Do you know your own time of the day when you are exposed to unnecessary angry situations?

In reference to this topic, time and ego are very much related.  I hope that you will be able to learn and relate with this experience.  One sunny day, I had an appointment at 8am with somebody whom I had only talked to over the phone but not personally met yet.  I was sitting in front of the steering wheel of the car honking repeatedly in frustration because my wife and children were not yet around.  So, when they finally got inside the car, I kept on yelling at them, calling them bad names and speaking harsh and hurting words to them. When they were all gone, I was still fuming mad. 

I went directly to the designated place of my appointment only to find out that the good for nothing person whom I was supposed to meet was not there.  I felt so bad because I could no longer take back anymore all the hurting words I said to my wife and children.  I realized it was my ego because I did not want to be late and be embarrassed in front of the person. But I got angry at the expense of my own family, as if the person I was to meet was more important than them.  We are victims of anger but the unwilling victims are the members of our own family, who have to get the brunt of our outbursts.

3. How do I usually express my anger?  This is a question of morality.  I used to have fast hands and heavy fists and feet.  I also have a sharp tongue and pointed mouth that my words would cut like a knife and pierce like arrows the hearts and minds of people – and this included my wife, children and employees.  I used to hit my wife and children with my hands and kick them with my feet like our trash bins in the office.  I used to punch our doors and glass windows and throw typewriters and everything my hands can hold.  This was how I expressed my anger years back.  What about you? How do you express yours?  Take this from me seriously.  Each time I did this, I committed grave sins against the person and against the properties I damaged

I take pride in myself for being a righteous and moral person. But this righteousness became more of self-righteousness, heavily tinged by the arrogance and ego of feeling “I am right and others are wrong”. And later, I would realize that my sense of morality is based on human standards, not God’s. Morality, after all, is a human and not God’s creation, which explains why its standards change from place, culture, caste, religion, and color.  So, do not make a fuss about morality.  I suggest that you replace morality with spirituality, which will teach you that every human soul is innately good and worthy of respect, regardless of their background. It was spirituality that helped me realize deeply the futility of anger. And through my spiritual practice of meditation, I started to shed off my deep-seated habits of anger. With this, I realized how spirituality is really a good start for any long-lasting change.
 
4. Who is the usual object of my anger?  This is a question of relationship.  This is the most crucial and critical among the four because it involves relationships.  If we do not watch out, we can lose our relationship with a friend, an officemate, a neighbour, a classmate, a business associate and worst, we might lose not just our relationship with them but the persons themselves. And they could be our own wives, children, parents and closest relatives.

Anger, A False Sense of Self

Anger is an expression of the ego in its highest stage of self-centeredness. It is anchored on the firm belief that one is fundamentally better than another.  Ego is not synonymous with the word arrogance or interchangeable with justified pride.  It is definitely more than these two negative attitudes or behaviors and both are just expansions of it. Ego has many children and that two of its faces are superiority and inferiority complexes. Superiority means arrogance and inferiority expresses itself in shyness.
I would say that ego is simply an illusion.  It is not real.  It touches the head but not the heart and certainly, removes us away from the spirit.

ANGER, A Sign of Inferiority Complex

We sometimes think that we are more superior person than others.  On the other hand, our superiority complex manifests itself in the form of negative action to hide our feelings of inferiority and insecurity in relation to other people.  When our very person or position is being threatened by somebody whom we perceive to be inferior to us, we show our inferiority in the guise of superiority by shouting and bad mouthing this person or by showing negative attitude and behavior towards him or her.

I used to react like this to my wife, Ellen, whom I perceived to be more superior to me.  Every time we have some discussions on certain issues and I feel that I am already at the losing end, I would raise my voice or even shout at her for her to stop talking, thinking that I could win the exchange. But I realized otherwise.  I may have won the discussion but I actually lost her respect and the opportunity to learn more from her deep knowledge and experience.

Loose Change and Control

Our tendency also is to change our past and the attitudes and behaviors of other people except our own.  We expect them to follow us, draw the line in between and if we fail to do this we get angry. We also want to control the situation, the condition and the atmosphere around us and again, if we do not succeed, we also get angry. 

Sometimes we forget that “change can never be imposed, it can only be exposed”.  That means that we have to change first ourselves before we tell others to change.  I can not tell my son to stop smoking when I, myself still smoke because he will just get back at me later and ask me why I am also smoking. And if I tell him that I am doing it because I am already old and earning an income to buy my own cigarettes, then, I would lose my credibility in front of my own son. To do this is to lose my leverage to be able to correct and influence him accordingly to make right choices in life. Because when he grows older, finds a job and smokes, I would not have the moral ascendancy to tell him to stop.

Anger is simply fear of losing, or feeling of emptiness and loneliness

How many among us get angry when we are being threatened or when we are afraid of something? Most of us probably get angry when confronted with these situations because it is said that the most common and destructive form of stress is anger.  In my own experience, more than 50% of my anger is due to fear while 80% of it is due to fear of losing.


The Eight (8) Forms of Fear of Losing

1. Losing a loved one – When somebody in our immediate family is sick or dying, we can become frustrated and start blaming the situation, including the person who is sick or dying, the immediate members of his or her family, our relatives, the doctors, nurses and hospital or even God sometimes. It is not for anything else other than a fear of losing out of our attachment to the sick and dying person. And to be more specific, it is basically coming from a fear of loneliness or emptiness when they eventually pass away.

2. Losing one’s relationship or separation from loved ones – When I was a young boy alone in the province, I always looked forward for summer vacation because I know that my cousins from Manila and other provinces would spend their vacation in our town.  My adopted parents would notice my excitement and happy face because they knew then that my playmates are coming. 

However, when my cousins would start leaving one by one, I would get irritated and angry. I would normally express my frustrations by throwing stones on the roofs of our house, the parish priest’s house and the church, which were just a stone-throw’s away from our place.  Similar to losing a loved one, I found out that it was due to feelings of fear of loneliness when I would eventually have to lose their company. The only difference is that the loss of former is permanent and the latter is just temporary.

3. Losing one’s possession – When we misplace something of value or lose a thing that we value most, we get angry with ourselves and with all the people around us.  What most of us do not realize is that what we are actually losing is not these things but our own energy

The reason why we get angry when we misplace or lose something is because we are very much attached to these physical and material things – it is as if our peace and happiness depended on them.  Most of the time, we allow ourselves to experience pain and sorrow every time we lose a thing that we are so attached to.

As I progressed in my effort not to get angry, I found three (3) good and useful tips to prevent me from getting angry whenever I would misplace or lose something very dear to me. In the process, these attitudes have allowed me to earn blessings from God. Let me share them here:

When I lose things, it is because…
A. I really do not have much use for it;
B. It has less or no value for me anymore. I realized that if I value a thing or I still have use for it, I will put it in a very safe place and protect it.
C. Lastly, if I misplaced or lost something, I console and convince myself that probably, somebody who needs it most and has a much better use for it was able to find it.

4. Losing one’s position of authority and power – This is a very common reaction when we expect to get promoted and yet we were bypassed.  We certainly want to get promoted but do we really need it to the extent that we get angry when we do not get it?  What is really in a name, title or position, anyway, aside from additional work load and responsibility?  Money, pride or ego?  Think about it.  Are these things more valuable than our happiness and peace of mind? So, next time you are bypassed, do not get angry.  Otherwise, you might find your self in one of the ICCU's or Operating Rooms at Philippine Heart Center to have your bypass operation – and that’s quite a huge price to pay for anger!

5. Losing one’s comfort – All of us have our own comfort zones and when we are removed from it, we become uncomfortable and the next thing we know, we are already in the danger zone of anger.  When we are comfortably sitting in an air-conditioned room and suddenly, the power goes off and the room becomes hot, our head becomes hot also and we end up getting angry. It’s as if our happiness is dependent on the temperature of the room!  When the sun does not shine and the place becomes gloomy, our mood becomes gloomy also because we allow ourselves to be affected by the people, by the environment and by the atmosphere around us.

6. Losing one’s time - Time is very precious in our life and we should not waste it, they say. I think when we get angry, what we are really wasting, if not losing, is not time but opportunity.  How thin is the line that separates luck and opportunity?  Not much, right?  I believe in opportunity.  It is more real.  I do not really believe in luck because luck for me is simply a preparation for meeting an opportunity.  When opportunity knocks at my door and I am physically, financially, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually prepared to meet it, I convincingly say to myself, I am lucky.  But when I am not prepared to meet it, I frustratingly say to myself, I am unlucky. At that time, I can not help but get angry because I think and feel that time and God are not on my side.

7. Losing one’s face – Respect and trust are not supposed to be expected.  They are earned and not given.  We work hard and we do our best to earn the trust and respect of others.  The only problem is we easily get disappointed, frustrated and even angry when people do not give it to us.  When I do not get people’s trust and respect, I would gently remind myself that it has to first begin with me. Whatever I look for from others, I should be able to give to myself first so that I do not even have to look for it outside in the first place. Only then will I feel that God Himself respects and trusts me. And that is the most important thing to me. When this happens, I sense that I naturally win the respect of people that really matter to me. The virtue of equanimity has also helped me whether people respect me or not. Whether they respect me or not is not anymore the issue. I just have to look at all situations as equally good and beneficial. It is always a good policy to remain respectful no matter what kind of people I am faced with.


8. Losing one’s personality – When I am too focused on my physical appearance and always wanting to look good to other people, I would get frustrated and disappointed and even get angry if I am not noticed.